Searching and Seeking

I have been a searcher and a seeker my whole life. From the time I was very young, I wondered what life was all about. I wondered what my purpose was on this Earth. My heart and soul yearned to find meaning and I attempted to make sense of it all.  I pursued a relationship with God and took a deep dive into spirituality. My thirst for knowledge and understanding has spanned my entire life. 

I was 18 and a student at the University of Washington when I experienced my first yoga class. I found a great teacher in a funky old building. I can clearly  remember the upwelling of joy, peace and love in my heart that I felt during the practice. The profound contentment filled me with awe and wonder. I fell in love with yoga and from that day forward it has been a guiding light in my life.  

When I was in my mid twenties a string of life altering events happened in quick succession. In five short years, my grandfather and two brother in laws committed suicide. This caused my family extreme grief and suffering. In those same years, I also lost one of my best friends from UW to cancer. I married and moved away from my family, friends and the area I grew up in. I quit my job and walked away from a budding career and a life that I had worked hard for and really enjoyed. I had to navigate great loss and change as a new mom in a new environment. All that had transpired was too much to digest; I lost my foundation and began to drift. I remember one day I woke up and looked at myself in the  mirror, I did not recognize the person looking back at me. I felt like a stranger to myself. I had always sought to grasp meaning in life and find depth but this was different. I was overwhelmed.

I found myself in an unfamiliar space with no direction. I sought a trajectory and enrolled in teacher training to earn certification. As I studied yoga and began to teach, I found renewed purpose. I jumped in heart and soul.  My yoga practice helped restore my foundation and navigate uncertainty. Even so, there were times when I would go to my mat and the stillness and raw feeling was too much to bear. Times like these it was easy to avoid my practice but inevitably I would follow the thread and my heart back. From the poem “The Way It Is” by William Stafford. 

“There is a thread you follow. It goes among things that change. But it doesn’t change. People wonder about what you are pursuing. You have to explain about the thread. But it is hard for others to see. While you hold it, you can’t get lost. Tragedies happen; people get hurt or die; and you suffer and get old. Nothing you do can stop time’s unfolding. You never let go of the thread.”

I held onto the thread and settled into life. I was set adrift when I became devastated by difficult times. My heart was broken and I searched for answers and healing. I can say many of those answers and my healing journey began again on my yoga mat.

In an address to the class during a teacher training, my beloved teacher 

Karen Sprute-Francovich, said “You are not a problem to be solved, you are not a mistake on planet Earth among millions of other mistakes. You are worthy simply because you exist.” The words that have resonated with me all these years are “You are not a mistake.” “You are worthy.”  The moment I heard those words, my heart cracked open revealing layers of pain. It was then that I began the journey back to myself. 

Yoga is often referred to as The Great Path of Return. It is a homecoming to your true nature. Your deep heart center. The place within that is promised to be ever present, never absent, full of light and always supporting you. Karen inspired me to study Anusara yoga which I have been doing for the past several years. Tantra is a non-dual philosophy that underpins Anusara yoga and teaches that we are all intrinsically good. You would not think that I needed to be told that, but I did. Perhaps many of us do. Hearing Karen’s words all those years ago initiated a great undoing in me. I began to peel away the accumulated layers. I love the quote “I do not do yoga, yoga undoes me.” 

Yoga philosophy teaches us that we have everything that we need, it’s already inside us. The practices of yoga asana (poses), meditation, and pranayama (breath practice) are reliable ways to return to this vast place of peace and  understanding within our own hearts. In Anusara Yoga we open each  practice with a chant:  

Om Namah Shivaya Gurave 

Satchitananda Murtaye 

Nishprapanchaya Shantaya 

Niralambaya Tejase 

Translated: “I bow to the goodness within myself, the true Eternal Teacher. This essence inside of me takes the form of pure joy, pure awareness and bliss. Always present, luminous and full of peace. This essence is my true nature. Independent in its existence, full of light and always supporting me.”

This sums up what I felt all those years ago during my very first yoga class. The upwelling of contentment that I experienced was a return home to the place inside me that is whole and at peace.  A reliable place to return to in times of uncertainty to guide me as I navigate this multifaceted life on planet Earth.  Anusara yoga opines that there are 2 reasons to practice yoga, to remember our true nature and to celebrate that remembrance.

One of my favorite poems is Renunciation by Jennifer Welwood, a teacher of Tantra. These words resonate deeply with me and are a beautiful summation of my journey.

“There will always be voices that promise you greatness and glory: They call out from the worldly marketplace; 

They call out from the spiritual marketplace; 

They call out from the fill-your-holes-marketplace; 

They call out from the bigger-better-more marketplace. 

Do not buy their false promises, or purchase their ephemeral wares; What fulfills for a moment is not worth the price of your soul. There are heights that will lift you, but not when you try to ascend them; There are powers that will fill you, but not when you make them your own. There are treasures, and there are imitations of treasures. If you have lost your true gold, at least turn away from the glitter. Want only what is true. 

This will lead you to the well of your deepest sorrows. 

Follow that passageway, all the way down; 

Become the dark emptiness of your absent core. 

Be still. Don’t measure the waiting. 

Be still. Let the waiting become a fire. 

Be still. Let the fire show you its secret heart: 

A strand of clear light running through you. 

Gather yourself there, and the luminous universe opens. 

In that vast expanse, fathomless, infinite ocean of light, 

Lose yourself, and find yourself, and become what you already are.”

It has become clear to me that, at times, I turned outward in search of myself. I sought something or someone to make me happy. I searched the various marketplaces and sought a crystal ball to assure me that it was all going to be ok. But no-one can find the answers for you. The practice of yoga (and life) cannot be done for you. In yoga this is called “the Work” (the capital W work). You get on your mat and again and again you do “the Work”. The word abhyasa means practice. Defined by B.K.S. Iyengar, “Abhyasa is a dedicated, unswerving, constant, and vigilant search into a  chosen subject pursued against all odds in the face of repeated failures, for indefinitely long periods of time.”

The effort put forth on your mat is carried over into life and it is important not to turn your back to “the Work”. This is one of the teachings from the Bhagavad Gita, a widely known and profoundly significant Hindu scripture. Your svadharma is your life’s work. It takes hold of you like a strong current and directs you through the winding river of life. Yoga teaches us that we should not swim against the current. Instead, hold the middle, stay tethered to your center, and turn toward the light filled space within that offers a constant source of joy, support and peace. 

Yoga is a journey inward toward what is real. It teaches and reminds me to soften and to root into my foundation. From that gravity laden root I am able to open to potential and possibility.  I am encouraged to relax and release the parts of myself that are overly contracted and holding on too tight. Yoga shows me how the fire within can digest and transform emotion and impressions left by experience. As I rely on my foundation and the central fire of love, I align and become more capable of receiving Grace. 

Yoga has taught me that I do not need fixing or changing. I am whole and worthy in the eyes of The One. I do not need to be perfect or to have all the answers. Life can be messy. Earth school is hard. For me, yoga is tough love and a soft place to land. My yoga practice is a part of who I am and who I strive to be. In the stillness, I find knowing. The key is to “remember to remember” the beautiful and powerful light that lives within and to sit at the altar of my heart center again and again.  As I honor and bow to the Universal source of love and align myself with The Highest, I am able to resource and restore the light within.

Life continues to unfold. This past year brought the death of my Dad, a new business, a move to a new home and a college send off for my first born. Within these monumental life changes and milestones, there is both heartbreak and joy in new beginnings. I know with great certainty that the teachings from my mat carry over into my life. As life turns up the heat, yoga encourages me to “stand steady in the fire of my transformation”, as my dear teacher has said, and to trust the practice. Nothing can stop the unfolding of time. However, I know as long as I remain tethered to my practice and hold onto the thread, I will not get lost and even if I do, I know how to find myself again.

Written by: Amy Hobson for NI Wellness Magazine September/October 2022 Issue

Thank you to the NI Wellness Magazine Crew and to Brady Campbell - it was an honor to be a part of this issue. Much love, xoxo ~ Amy